Was this a church? The high, vaulted ceilings made it seem like one\u2013almost, but not exactly. That\u2019s the way things often are in dreams, and I was dreaming now. Deeply. A woman entered the room. With her was a small child, a little girl in soft, lavender footie pajamas. She was barely a toddler, still a baby in many ways.<\/p>\n
Her brown hair was braided and her big, dark eyes were beautiful. But it wasn\u2019t their beauty that struck me so much as the quiet courage I saw reflected in them as the child took a tentative step forward.<\/p>\n
I sunk to my knees, putting myself at her level. Don\u2019t be afraid, <\/em>I thought. The girl hesitated a moment, clinging shyly to the woman. Then, as if making a decision she opened her arms and toddled to me.<\/p>\n My own arms were open and waiting to catch her. Her little body was soft and warm and right <\/em>in my embrace. Like she belonged with me. \u201cYou\u2019re fine,\u201d I said as I rocked her gently. \u201cEverything\u2019s going to be just fine.\u201d<\/p>\n I opened my eyes to the sound of my alarm clock. Beside me, my husband, Val, rolled over and got up. Elsewhere in the house I could hear our sons, Dash, 16, and Phineas, 6, stirring. I climbed out of bed. By the time the kids left for school and I started the breakfast dishes I barely remembered the details of my dream.<\/p>\n It was no surprise I was dreaming about children. After a lot of discussion, Val and I had decided to adopt a baby. A little girl, we\u2019d agreed when we filled out the application. A little older than Phineas, so she would be in between the two boys in age.<\/p>\n Dash was already the best big brother anyone could ever ask for, and Phineas the friendliest, silliest kindergartner. We did laundry and yard work together, came up with family projects\u2013we even had regular \u201cfamily art days\u201d in our craft room where Dash made duct tape wallets, Val sketched, and Phineas and I painted.<\/p>\n There was plenty of room for one more in our family. We filled out piles of paperwork, underwent background checks, took classes on how to care for a child from foster care who\u2019d potentially been hurt in the past. Neglected, surely.<\/p>\n I soaped up the dishes and thought about our daughter. I\u2019d never met her. I\u2019d only seen her in a photo, a grainy photocopy that barely captured her features. She was 18 months old, younger than we had planned.<\/p>\n \u201cCan we handle a baby?\u201d Val asked when the caseworker first told us about Dari. \u201cDiapers? Middle-of-the-night feedings?\u201d<\/p>\n He was right, but we decided to go to the interview anyway. \u201cShe\u2019s been without parents since birth,\u201d the caseworker explained when we got to her office. \u201cShe\u2019s in foster care now. But she needs a forever home.\u201d Despite our misgivings, we applied to adopt Dari. Now we just had to wait.<\/p>\n I dried the dishes and went upstairs to the nursery we\u2019d fixed up for her. We refinished furniture, hung new curtains. Val painted a mural on the wall. I was excited to think about her coming to live here\u2013but nervous too.<\/p>\n Once the agency decided to move Dari out of foster care, we\u2019d have a transitional period. We would meet Dari, get to know her slowly. She\u2019d spend the night with us occasionally until she felt at home. I mean, there were four of us and only one of her. We\u2019ll need that transition as much as she will, <\/em>I thought.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n As eager as we were to welcome Dari, it was scary too! With all my mixed emotions, I was thankful for the wait and the process. I wanted everything to be perfect for Dari.<\/p>\n The phone rang. It was Dari\u2019s caseworker. \u201cThere won\u2019t be time for transition,\u201d she said. \u201cYour family is getting your baby today.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n Today? We weren\u2019t ready! How could Dari be ready?<\/p>\n \u201cThe agency\u2019s decided to take her out of foster care immediately,\u201d the caseworker said. \u201cFor her own safety. I\u2019m going to pick her up now. We\u2019ll be there in about an hour.\u201d The situation must have been dire.<\/p>\n I hung up with the caseworker and called Val. \u201cI\u2019ll come home,\u201d he said. \u201cShould I pick up the boys?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNo time for that,\u201d I said. Val\u2019s commute was a long one. I called Dash on his cell. \u201cI\u2019ll get Phineas at school and be right home,\u201d he said. \u201cDon\u2019t worry, Mom. I got this.\u201d<\/p>\n How can he be so calm? <\/em>My heart pounded in my chest. My hands shook. I wanted to hide under the bed. I wasn\u2019t ready to meet my new daughter! What if she didn\u2019t like me? What if she didn\u2019t like her room? What if we were the wrong parents for her? What if she belonged in another family instead?<\/p>\n