Scotch burned my throat on the way down. Finally. I\u2019d waited hours for my favorite bar to open up and it wasn\u2019t even noon yet. I couldn\u2019t deny it anymore. My drinking was out of control and I was scared out of my mind.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow are things, Jim?\u201d asked Betty the bartender.<\/p>\n
I shrugged and looked around the bar. The place was dim\u2014none of the customers wanted to see anything too clearly.<\/p>\n
I could make out a few faces against the wood paneling: A man in a rumpled coat hunched over a tumbler of whiskey. A woman with dark circles under her eyes. A guy with no teeth sipping a beer.<\/p>\n
Compared to them I looked great in my designer jeans and expensive haircut, my BMW waiting outside in the rain. But inside I was just as miserable as they were.<\/p>\n
I knew I should be happy. I was smart. I was a good salesman. I had my own business selling sunglasses. For a while I\u2019d even been successful. But none of it made me happy. Once I\u2019d asked a doctor about it. \u201cDon\u2019t you have any pills I could take to feel better?\u201d I\u2019d said.<\/p>\n
The doctor shook his head. \u201cPills aren\u2019t your answer. You need to find some peace in yourself. Exercise might help. Or meditating. Do you go to church?\u201d<\/p>\n
I hadn\u2019t been to church in years.<\/p>\n
\u201cSometimes just going into a church can make you feel better. They\u2019re good places to think.\u201d<\/p>\n
I hadn\u2019t taken the doctor\u2019s advice. Instead I found my own way of lifting my spirits: alcohol. After a few drinks my head was buzzing and I felt a lot more cheerful. Too bad it couldn\u2019t last. As time went on it took more and more alcohol to make me feel happy.<\/p>\n
California got hit with a rainy spell and my business dried up. The worse things got, the more I drank. I told myself I didn\u2019t have a problem, that I had it under control.<\/p>\n
Then one morning I awoke needing a drink so bad my hands shook and my head ached. I emptied the shot glass in front of me. The alcohol that had once lifted my spirit was now killing it.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou want another?\u201d asked Betty.<\/p>\n
If she only knew how bad\u2026. I pushed myself off the bar stool. \u201cI have to get out of here.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stepped out into the gray, wet parking lot. The rain pattering on my head was just another reminder of life going wrong. I had to get away\u2014but where? The doctor\u2019s words came back to me. Churches are good places to think.<\/em><\/p>\n I drove out to Manhattan Beach. A steeple rose into the sky up ahead. I parked in front of the church and gazed up at it through the windshield. Might as well go in, <\/em>I thought. I don\u2019t have anywhere else to be.<\/em><\/p>\n I dashed through the rain and ducked inside. The church was empty, but I slipped into the back row of the pews. Now what? <\/em>I wondered. I felt so desperate and alone, I couldn\u2019t even appreciate the silence. And then I heard a sound.<\/p>\n Way up at the front, to the side of the altar, two little girls were lighting candles. The warm glow of the flames was soothing. I\u2019d forgotten how beautiful votive candles could be.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know what to do, God. I\u2019m scared. <\/em>I rambled on, watching the candles flicker in the darkness. I told God about my business troubles and my drinking, about the happiness that I couldn\u2019t find.<\/p>\n I know things have to change, but I don\u2019t know how. I just don\u2019t want to be miserable anymore. Show me how to be happy, Lord. Show me where to start.<\/em><\/p>\n Up at the altar, the little girls finished lighting their candles. They walked down the aisle together, hand in hand. They looked about the same age. Maybe they were twins.<\/p>\n One had long blond pigtails like spun gold. The other wore her hair loose, but it was the same glorious color. Almost like sunshine.<\/p>\n What are they doing in church at this hour on a school day? <\/em>I wondered. They didn\u2019t wear school uniforms, but brightly colored dresses like you might see on the beach.<\/p>\n As they passed by my pew the girls turned together and gave me sunny smiles. I nodded to them. How sweet to be so friendly to a stranger, <\/em>I thought. What must it be like to feel that happy?<\/em><\/p>\n I sat thinking about them. They were the first bright spot in my life since all this rain had started. Maybe even before that.<\/p>\n