{"id":18478,"date":"2026-03-11T06:10:41","date_gmt":"2026-03-11T06:10:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/gpbookstore.org\/articles\/uncategorized\/guideposts-classics-joan-fontaine-on-finding-a-church-home\/"},"modified":"2026-04-10T06:05:54","modified_gmt":"2026-04-10T06:05:54","slug":"guideposts-classics-joan-fontaine-on-finding-a-church-home","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gpbookstore.org\/articles\/positive-living\/entertainment\/movies-and-tv\/guideposts-classics-joan-fontaine-on-finding-a-church-home\/","title":{"rendered":"Guideposts Classics: Joan Fontaine on Finding a Church Home"},"content":{"rendered":"

Most of us move through life looking for something. For years my search was for a sense of belonging, truly belonging somewhere. I spent half a lifetime looking for a place where I could feel deeply at ease, accepted, part of a family, surrounded by people who cared.<\/p>\n

I had begun to believe that no such place existed. Then I found one.<\/p>\n

\"Celebrating<\/a>I\u2019m sure the origins of my search go back to my childhood when ill health and the isolation that it brings played such a large role in my life. My mother told me that I spent the first two-and-a-half years of my life wrapped from head to toe in cotton bandages due to the eczema<\/a> that covered me.<\/p>\n

My father, Walter de Havilland, was a professor teaching at the Imperial University in Tokyo, where I was born. Mother always believed that the goats\u2019 milk that is given to babies in Japan started me on my endless succession of ailments.<\/p>\n

My parents\u2019 marriage was not a happy one. When I was two-and-a-half, Mother, my sister<\/a> and I left Japan and settled in Saratoga, California, where doctors assured Mother that the climate would be healthier.<\/p>\n

It was true that my eczema got better, but just about every other conceivable illness followed.<\/p>\n

My earliest memories are of tastes\u2013castor oil and Scott\u2019s Emulsion and the hatefulness of unsweetened licorice cough syrup\u2013and of white-uniformed strangers bending over me with long, hurting needles.<\/p>\n

I suppose it was no wonder that with such handicaps I found it hard to relate to other children. And indeed the life we led was different from other children\u2019s carefree existences.<\/p>\n

By now my mother had remarried. My stepfather was an investment counselor, but I\u2019m sure he should have been a general. <\/p>\n

The bedroom my sister and I shared, when I wasn\u2019t quarantined with some infection, was modeled after a barracks: khaki spreads on iron bedsteads, khaki-painted furniture against dun-colored walls, military-style inspections morning and night.<\/p>\n

At his insistence, each Sunday we wrote out the schedule for the week ahead in precise segments:<\/p>\n

7:00-7:15 bathe and dress
\n7:15-7:45 breakfast
\n7:45-8:15 make beds; tidy room
\n8:15-8:30 walk to school<\/p>\n

and so on through the long regimented day. My stepfather<\/a> was a well-intentioned man, and I respected him, but he was unable to give the warmth, the open affection, the understanding touch that I yearned for.<\/p>\n

And yet all the illness and isolation and regimentation had their compensations, for instead of real companions, I found my friends in books and in the dramatic sketches Mother taught my sister and me to act in when friends came to visit.<\/p>\n

On days when I was unable to sit up in bed, I would weave long thrilling dramas in my head. Little did I think, at such lonely moments, that I was going through the perfect apprenticeship for an acting career.<\/p>\n

But apparently it showed to those around me. One day a friend of Mother\u2019s who had seen our little living-room dramas received a call from the actress May Robson. May was looking for a young girl to play the role of the ingenue in her next play.<\/p>\n

\u201cJoan de Havilland,\u201d said Mother\u2019s friend without hesitation. And so I found myself in the wonderful make-believe world of theater.<\/p>\n

By now my sister was an established actress, so in order not to trade on her name I took our stepfather\u2019s name, Fontaine. Acting was a strenuous career for a girl as sickly as I was, but I soon came to know why Dame Sybil Thorndike called it \u201cDoctor Theater.\u201d<\/p>\n

No matter how I felt or how high my temperature, when the curtains parted, a burst of energy always flooded into me, and I went on, oblivious to everything but the part I was playing.<\/p>\n

An increasingly successful movie career had many rewards, but it did not bring me the warmth and close relationships that I kept seeking, sometimes desperately.<\/p>\n

Perhaps it was the lack of a warm father figure in my childhood that made my expectations of marriage so ridiculously high. My husband was to be everything I had longed for as a girl. All-loving, all-strong, all-wise, he would be the answer to every need.<\/p>\n

And each time he fell short of those expectations the disillusionment was keener, the depression that followed more serious. Each time I felt as if I were a wanderer with no place to go, no place to belong.<\/p>\n

It was during one of those bleak times in 1972 that I finally realized what I had been doing. I had been idolizing human beings, trying to make of them what flesh and blood can never be. Even if a man could be the father I dreamed of, the brother I never had, he could never be God.<\/p>\n

Of course I wanted a center to my life, of course I wanted perfect faithfulness, perfect love<\/a>\u2014only I had been looking for those things in the wrong places.<\/p>\n

I remember so well the day, sitting alone in my New York apartment, when that realization came to me. I remember because with it, quietly and clearly, came the answer I had been seeking for so long.<\/p>\n

Not far away was a tranquil place of worship<\/a> called the Church of the Heavenly Rest. I began to attend services there. A few months later I consulted the rector, Burton Thomas, and told him I needed to be baptized.<\/p>\n

With just a few friends to stand with me, and Dr. Thomas\u2019s wife, Hazel, as my godmother, I was baptized, and I knew that I had found the place where I belonged at last.<\/p>\n

Baptism is an inrush of grace\u2014and grace changes people. Have I been changed? I believe so. Where I was judgmental and sometimes too demanding, I now feel more sympathy for other people, more tolerance, more understanding.<\/p>\n

My friends, who seem closer and dearer, tell me that I seem closer and dearer to them. I feel stronger in myself; I\u2019m not looking so desperately for some other human being to lean on. I belong to a church and a church belongs to me, and I feel surrounded by love and joy.<\/p>\n

Sometimes when a bird sings in Central Park and no one else stops to listen, I feel myself overwhelmed with wonder and gratitude to the Giver of such gifts.<\/p>\n

And sometimes I wonder why it took me so long. Then I think of that marvelous parable of the workers in the vineyard (Matthew 20:1-16), and remember that in God\u2019s sight there is no soon or late.<\/p>\n

In that story each worker received the same reward no matter when he came. For me that reward was the gift of knowing I belong.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

For more inspiring stories, subscribe to <\/em>Guideposts<\/strong><\/a> magazine<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Most of us move through life looking for something. For years my search was for a sense of belonging, truly belonging somewhere. I spent half a lifetime looking for a place where I could feel deeply at ease, accepted, part of a family, surrounded by people who cared. 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