Despite my highlighted blond hair, I\u2019m a member of the fast growing \u201cgray divorce revolution.\u201d\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t my wish, but it\u2019s my reality.<\/p>\n
When my husband of 30 years announced he no longer loved me, I had no inkling of the\u00a0 pain, trauma and heartbreak that awaited. The lies and betrayal that were to come to light. The disruption created in my son\u2019s new college life. The three years of limbo that would shred me to pieces and eventually stitch me back up.<\/p>\n
If you find yourself facing the end of a long marriage that you treasured, brace yourself. It\u2019s a loss that feels like death, with all the anger, pain and bitterness that comes with irreparable harm.<\/p>\n
The bad news about a divorce? Your life will never be the same. The good news about a divorce? Your life will never be the same. Yep\u2014it\u2019s a double-edged sword that cuts both ways.<\/p>\n
With my divorce decree newly filed, I\u2019d like to share some things I learned along the way. They just scratch the surface. But maybe they\u2019ll help.<\/p>\n
1) Go small<\/strong><\/p>\n Find a small space to live, gather your thoughts, cry, plan, and, most importantly, heal. Too much stuff and space makes your world feel overwhelming. For 18 months I stayed in the big country house where our son was raised. Too many memories floated around, keeping me stuck in the past. Moving to my mother\u2019s dinky, musty lake cottage proved a true salvation. Built as a three season house with no laundry room or garage and 26 steps to climb, it dared me to spend the winter. So I did. And I emerged a stronger woman.<\/p>\n 2) Protect your heart<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Get off Facebook. Tell your friends not to \u201cfeed you\u201d any info from it.\u00a0 Feeling at our lowest leaves us really vulnerable. If you\u2019re the one being \u201cdumped\u201d by your spouse for another person, there\u2019s a good chance hurtful stories and photos will come your way.\u00a0 That happened to me. It was devastating. I also found that reading posts about friends\u2019 anniversaries and Valentine\u2019s Day stung and set me back. Six months into separation, I deactivated my Facebook account. I haven\u2019t returned.<\/p>\n 3) Embrace grace<\/strong><\/p>\n When scary things happen to us, we look beyond our sphere of living and strive for meaning. I started seeking answers on how to find my way through the divorce darkness, Several friends shared devotionals or spiritual readings with me. One, in particular, helped a lot. The book, Jesus Calling<\/em> by Sarah Young, became my morning go to. It delivered hope and grace every day and is very popular reading for those who face divorce. Another staple for me became works by the American Tibetan Buddhist nun Pema Chodron, including When Things Fall Apart<\/em> and The Places that Scare\u00a0 You<\/em>.There are many other books on living in the present and being grateful for all we have in our lives. The power of grace and gratitude is incredible!<\/p>\n 4) Be bold\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Push yourself to be adventurous and independent. I was 20 when I met my ex and 54 when he left me. Suddenly I had to make every decision and solve every problem to keep functioning in the world.\u00a0 So I sought to change things up. Much to the shock of friends and family, I took a solo road trip from Wisconsin to Colorado.\u00a0 Armed with Allman Brothers, Tom Petty and other Classic rock CDs, I hit the open road, driving for hours at a stretch. When billboards promised quirky or historical sites (like Willa Cather\u2019s home town or the Bridges of Madison County), I took the exit. It was a liberating trip that made me comfortable in my own skin. Getting out of my comfort zone made me better handle tough things that came my way while in\u00a0 transition, like talking to your ex, watching septic bubble up from your shower, or moving your son to a big city by yourself.<\/p>\n 5) Know you\u2019re not alone<\/strong><\/p>\n The night before we closed on the sale of our former house, I pulled up to the cottage in pitch blackness. The car was crammed with boxes to be unloaded. With just a cell phone for light and tears welling, I began hauling my belongings down the two flights of crumbling concrete stairs, feeling certain that I\u2019d slip, fall and die in the darkness all alone.<\/p>\n The days of separation and divorce are some of the loneliest ones you\u2019ll ever experience.<\/p>\n However, it won\u2019t always be that way. Drop the shame. Forget the pride.\u00a0 Be willing to share your pain.\u00a0 As a result, your relationships with family and friends will deepen. You\u2019ll find new friends.<\/p>\n For months my son encouraged me to talk to his friend\u2019s mom, recently divorced. I put it off, embarrassed about the demise of my marriage. Finally, I reached out, hungry for advice. Meeting her was life-changing. We exchanged stories. She listened to my secret fears, brought me out into the world, and kick-started my confidence. I started dancing and laughing again. \u00a0More than a friend, she was a mentor. \u00a0She\u2019s inspired me to do the same for anyone I encounter who is facing an unwanted divorce.<\/p>\n As you shuffle, stumble, and ultimately stride through the days ahead, remember you are not alone. Let kind-hearted people into your world. You will survive.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Despite my highlighted blond hair, I\u2019m a member of the fast growing \u201cgray divorce revolution.\u201d\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t my wish, but it\u2019s my reality. When my husband of 30 years announced he no longer loved me, I had no inkling of the\u00a0 pain, trauma and heartbreak that awaited. The lies and betrayal that were to come […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":79,"featured_media":28371,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"ep_exclude_from_search":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[341,173],"tags":[44,231,26],"ppma_author":[1488],"class_list":["post-19396","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-living-longer-living-better","category-marriage","tag-courage","tag-divorce","tag-hope"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n