{"id":20180,"date":"2026-03-11T08:56:11","date_gmt":"2026-03-11T08:56:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/gpbookstore.org\/articles\/uncategorized\/she-learned-to-focus-on-loving-not-judging-her-daughter\/"},"modified":"2026-04-10T06:09:26","modified_gmt":"2026-04-10T06:09:26","slug":"she-learned-to-focus-on-loving-not-judging-her-daughter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gpbookstore.org\/articles\/positive-living\/friends-and-family\/parenting\/adult-children\/she-learned-to-focus-on-loving-not-judging-her-daughter\/","title":{"rendered":"She Learned to Focus on Loving\u2014Not Judging\u2014Her Daughter"},"content":{"rendered":"

My 20-year-old daughter, Brittany, had left the computer on in my bedroom. She\u2019d been using it to chat with friends. The chat session was still on the screen.<\/p>\n

Maybe I shouldn\u2019t have read it, but I\u2019m a mom and I couldn\u2019t help myself.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ll meet you at the WreckRoom,\u201d Brittany had written at the end.<\/p>\n

My husband, John, Brittany\u2019s stepfather, walked in.<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you ever heard of a place called the WreckRoom?\u201d I asked him.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d he said with a shrug. \u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBrittany\u2019s going there tonight.\u201d I looked up the WreckRoom online. What?! <\/em>It was an all-ages gay nightclub on Thirty-Ninth Street, the heart of Oklahoma City\u2019s gay neighborhood.<\/p>\n

That couldn\u2019t be right. Why would Brittany want to go there?<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019d grown up in a very conservative church environment and raised Brittany the same way. Where I came from, the Bible was crystal clear about homosexuality. Someone who lived that way was out of God\u2019s favor<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Brittany was living at home while working and attending community college. In some ways, she was a grown-up. In others, she was still pretty naive. Maybe she just didn\u2019t know what the WreckRoom was.<\/p>\n

And yet\u2026why was my whole body rigid with fear?<\/p>\n

I racked my brain for reassurance that Brittany wasn\u2019t gay. There was that guy she pined over in high school who was dating someone else. Later he broke up with that other girl, and he and Brittany went to the prom\u2014but nothing came of it. Other than that, she had never dated, never had a boyfriend.<\/p>\n

Not that John and I gave her much wiggle room. We taught a singles class at church based on the purity movement. The idea was to avoid casual dating and focus on marriage. We steered Brittany toward group outings with friends, and she never rebelled against that.<\/p>\n

The only time she and I had a big disagreement over this subject was when she expressed curiosity about one of her eighth-grade teachers, who was a lesbian. \u201cThat\u2019s kind of cool,\u201d Brittany said when she found out.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not cool,\u201d I replied and followed up with a lecture about what I believed the Bible said about sexuality. Brittany stopped talking about her teacher.<\/p>\n

I called John over to the computer. We stood there staring at the screen, both feeling deeply uncomfortable. John\u2019s daughter from his first marriage, Melissa, had apparently been questioning her own sexuality as well. Brittany and Melissa were only a year apart. Were they influencing each other?<\/p>\n

Melissa had moved out as soon as she turned 18. She and I had a difficult relationship. Earlier that day, she\u2019d driven over from her mom\u2019s house, where she was living, to hang out with Brittany. They were out now getting something to eat. It was clear from the chat session that they were planning to go to the WreckRoom together.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey are not going to that place,\u201d I said to John.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo way,\u201d he said, though we both knew he didn\u2019t have a lot of leverage with Melissa.<\/p>\n

We confronted the girls when they came back. \u201cDo you even know what the WreckRoom is?\u201d I asked Brittany.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou read my chat session!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou left my computer on. You are not going to a gay bar. Homosexuality is wrong. You know that.\u201d<\/p>\n

An expression I had never seen before came over my daughter\u2019s face. Defiance. And something else. She looked wounded.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow do you know it\u2019s wrong?\u201d she said. \u201cMy friends go there, and I like it. I don\u2019t see anything wrong with it, and I\u2019ll go back as soon as I get the chance.\u201d She stormed out.<\/p>\n

For two weeks, we fought. I quoted Scripture<\/a>, gave lectures. Brittany never outright said she was gay, but I knew she was fascinated by that whole subject. Dismayed and bewildered, I issued an ultimatum: \u201cYou know what I believe. If you can\u2019t follow my rules, you have to move out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Brittany packed up her things and moved into her own apartment.<\/p>\n

The following months were a nightmare. Brittany all but cut me off. She came over for Thanksgiving, but I ruined it by using the opportunity to lecture her.<\/p>\n

Emotions warred inside me. Horror. Fear. Shame. Regret. How could my own daughter do this to me? And yet I missed her so much!<\/p>\n

Brittany\u2019s childhood hadn\u2019t been easy. My first husband was a drug addict who was abusive and neglected our children. Once, driving under the influence, he wrecked his car and killed Brittany\u2019s youngest brother.<\/p>\n

I had to get out of that marriage. The divorce and her dad\u2019s chaotic life took its toll on Brittany. She was never rebellious. Just quiet and contained, bottling up her emotions. There was a lot about her life I didn\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

I thought I\u2019d done everything right. Read Scripture to Brittany and her brother, Garrett. Monitored what they watched, who their friends were. Where did I go wrong?<\/p>\n

Reading First Corinthians one day, I came to the part where Paul says that if someone \u201cis sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler,\u201d a believer should \u201cnot even eat with such people.\u201d<\/p>\n

Brittany came over later that day to do laundry. She sat uncomfortably at the kitchen table, waiting for the wash to finish.<\/p>\n

A sudden impulse to open my heart came over me. I joined her at the table and told her about the Corinthians passage. \u201cI don\u2019t know what that means,\u201d I said, starting to cry. \u201cAm I not even supposed to eat with you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Brittany did her best to remain stone-faced, but she began to cry too. We stared at each other helplessly. When the laundry was done, Brittany folded everything and drove away.<\/p>\n

Soon after, her life unraveled. She flunked out of college and got a DUI. To my utter confusion, she moved into a filthy house with relatives who used a lot of prescription pain medication. Brittany was sleeping on a dirty mattress on the floor. I went over one day to visit. Overwhelmed by depression<\/a>, she didn\u2019t even get out of bed.<\/p>\n

I was overwhelmed too by emotion. I felt caught between my love for Brittany and my obedience to what I read in Scripture, what I\u2019d been taught to believe. I didn\u2019t dare tell anyone at church. What would they say?<\/p>\n

Part of me was relieved that John was having his own struggle with Melissa. Both he and I had endured rocky first marriages. It would have been so easy for either of us to sit in judgment.<\/p>\n

One day, I was out getting the mail when my friend Juli drove by. Juli is one of the most perceptive, straighttalking people I know.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, it\u2019s Brittany,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

Juli eyed me. She knew exactly what was going on. \u201cYou blame yourself, don\u2019t you?\u201d she said. I nodded.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me ask you,\u201d she said. \u201cIf Brittany had turned out perfect in your eyes, would you have taken credit?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course!\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

Juli shook her head. \u201cThen you would be full of pride. Whatever Brittany did, it\u2019s God\u2019s job to judge. Your job is to love your daughter.\u201d<\/p>\n

Juli drove away, and I stood there, feeling stung. Then, to my amazement, a sense of liberation began to build inside me. If Juli was right, I could love my daughter as she was without having to answer all the hard theological questions.<\/p>\n

Right there by the mailbox, I prayed about it. As clear as day, God replied, Why would Brittany ever want to be with someone as judgmental as you are?<\/em><\/p>\n

Another passage from Corinthians came to mind: \u201cLove<\/a> is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.\u201d<\/p>\n

I went inside and called Brittany. \u201cWant to go get coffee sometime?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI would love that!\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

Slowly we worked to rebuild our relationship. We got coffee. Went to garage sales. I called her just to talk and avoided the issue of sexuality. The more we talked, the easier it became. I knew it was a risk for Brittany to trust me. I didn\u2019t want to let her down.<\/p>\n

John and I decided to take the whole family\u2014Brittany, Garrett and Melissa\u2014 on a five-day Caribbean cruise. It sounded kind of crazy. But we realized that what we needed most of all was undistracted time together.<\/p>\n

We threw a bon voyage party, and Melissa invited her best friend Robbie and his boyfriend. I had met these young men before and, frankly, found them extremely nice and easy to talk to\u2014once I let go of my judgment.<\/p>\n

They arrived with a huge cake decorated like a cruise ship\u2014a peace offering. I realized they\u2019d had to work just as hard to accept someone like me, a conservative Christian who disagreed with how they lived.<\/p>\n

We had a great time at the party and an even better time on the cruise. Something must have happened out there on the water. Soon after we returned, Brittany began pulling herself back together. She found work and entered into a long-term relationship. Her partner, Nicole, became like a third daughter in our family.<\/p>\n

I no longer hide what I tell people at church because I\u2019m no longer ashamed of my daughter.<\/p>\n

I feel closer to God<\/a> than ever when I remember that he extended infinite grace to me, enabling me to extend grace and love to Brittany.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t have all the answers. What I do know is that the Bible tells me to trust, to hope and to persevere in love. Those are words Brittany and I can embrace with all our hearts.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

For more inspiring stories, subscribe to <\/em>Guideposts<\/strong><\/a> magazine<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

My 20-year-old daughter, Brittany, had left the computer on in my bedroom. She\u2019d been using it to chat with friends. The chat session was still on the screen. Maybe I shouldn\u2019t have read it, but I\u2019m a mom and I couldn\u2019t help myself. \u201cWe\u2019ll meet you at the WreckRoom,\u201d Brittany had written at the end. 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