I stood on the front porch, finger poised at the doorbell.<\/p>\n
Just what am I letting myself in for here?<\/em> I wondered.<\/p>\n I\u2019d never been to Brian\u2019s house before. Friends at church had set us up and I liked him right away. We\u2019d had our first date a few weeks before\u2014an afternoon coffee that we extended to dinner. We had so much in common\u2014similar upbringings, the same love of faith and family. We were both in our late thirties and, more to the point, we\u2019d both had disappointing first marriages. Mine had ended almost a decade earlier. Brian had been divorced two years. I thought we\u2019d been given the miraculous gift of a second chance.<\/p>\n There was one hiccup: Spike, Brian\u2019s seven-year-old rat terrier. I hadn\u2019t met Spike yet, but I might as well have. Brian spoke of him often. \u201cHe was my security blanket through the divorce,\u201d Brian explained on our first date. \u201cYou\u2019ll love him. Trust me.\u201d<\/p>\n Well, I liked dogs, but what was I supposed to say when Brian told me Spike might be so excited to see me he\u2019d pee on my leg? Or that I shouldn\u2019t worry if there were pauses in our conversation because he had to throw Spike\u2019s squeaky toy? \u201cI wouldn\u2019t want him to feel left out,\u201d Brian said. Hmm,<\/em> I thought. Who\u2019s going to feel left out?<\/em><\/p>\n I pushed the bell. Footsteps. Scrabbling paws. The door opened. \u201cHi!\u201d Brian said. A black-and-white streak raced around my ankles, sniffing every inch of my shoes. I held my breath. No accidents. Spike looked up, his tail wagging a hundred miles an hour. A toy frog dangled from his mouth. Spike gave the frog a squeeze. Squeak<\/em>.<\/p>\n \u201cHe likes you!\u201d Brian exclaimed. \u201cCome on in.\u201d Brian got to work on dinner\u2014shrimp and rice. Spike positioned himself between us in the kitchen. \u201cHow are your classes going?\u201d Brian asked. I\u2019m an elementary-school teacher. I was about to answer when Spike gave his frog another squeeze. Squeak.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHang on,\u201d said Brian. He took the toy from Spike\u2019s mouth and hurled it into the living room. Spike rocketed past and a moment later returned, frog clenched between his jaws. \u201cWhat a good dog you are!\u201d Brian said, laughing. I started talking about a student of mine. The frog whizzed by again. Spike\u2019s paws clattered on the floor. Squeak. <\/em>\u201cWhat was that, Amy?\u201d Brian asked. He threw the toy again.<\/p>\n By the time dinner was done we hadn\u2019t gotten much past \u201chello.\u201d Maybe Brian was nervous<\/em>, I thought. I sure was! Yet, coming to his house made me realize just how much I wanted this relationship to work.<\/p>\n For years I\u2019d been telling myself I didn\u2019t mind being single. But, really, part of me was still just as hurt as I was that day my husband turned to me out of the blue and said, \u201cAmy, I don\u2019t want to be married anymore.\u201d How long had he thought that? How long had I fooled myself into thinking he loved me? Could I ever trust love again? I looked at Brian across the table. He was busy feeding Spike some rice from his plate. Was I fooling myself about this relationship too?<\/p>\n We finished dinner and sat on the sofa to watch a movie. I caught a glimpse of Brian\u2019s bedroom. Typical bachelor. Bed unmade, sheets everywhere. \u201cSpike loves pulling the comforter off,\u201d Brian laughed. \u201cHe hides toys in it and then digs them out.\u201d I didn\u2019t say anything, but I could almost feel myself pulling back. Spike wedged himself between us on the sofa and gave me a look. Brian stroked Spike\u2019s head. I couldn\u2019t help wishing that he\u2019d put that hand over mine. When I finally stood to go, Brian gave me a hug. Spike emitted a low growl. Brian pulled away. \u201cIt\u2019s okay, buddy,\u201d he said. \u201cIt\u2019s just Amy.\u201d<\/p>\n We said goodnight and I drove back home. I was already asking myself if I, a self-proclaimed neat freak, could ever be okay with a dog who pulled covers off the bed, or with the little white hairs that coated every piece of furniture in Brian\u2019s house.<\/p>\n Brian and I continued dating. I kept hoping the Brian I liked\u2014handsome Brian with the great sense of humor and solid values\u2014would somehow triumph over Brian, the obsessed owner of Spike. When we were at his house I hardly had a moment alone with him. He continually threw the toy for Spike. The dog came with us on trips, sticking his little head blissfully out the car window. And of course conversations were always accompanied by the squeaky-toy soundtrack. Brian began saying ominous things like, \u201cBoy, if we ever got married it sure would be hard to kick Spike out of bed. What do you think about sleeping with a dog?\u201d I told Brian I didn\u2019t like the sound of that at all, but my words never seemed to register.<\/p>\n The breaking point came one late summer Sunday. We\u2019d been dating five months by then. After church we went to Brian\u2019s house to watch a movie. We dozed off on the sofa. A strange sensation on my chest woke me. I opened my eyes. Spike stood there, nose to nose with me, his mouth open, panting. He stared at me. Not a \u201cplease play fetch with me\u201d kind of stare. More like, \u201cI was here first. Remember that. I come with the deal.\u201d<\/p>\n That was it. I heaved Spike off me and stood up. \u201cBrian,\u201d I said, startling him awake. \u201cI want this to work, but I really need there to be some limits on Spike. Sometimes I feel there\u2019s not enough room here for both him and me.\u201d<\/p>\n I paused, hoping Brian would say the words I\u2019d been longing to hear him say for months\u2014\u201cAmy, I had no idea; of course we\u2019ll do something about Spike. I\u2019d do anything for you!\u201d But he didn\u2019t say that. He mumbled the same old stuff about Spike being his best friend and always there for him. \u201cJust take me home,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n Brian didn\u2019t even try to call right away. Good,<\/em> I thought. I busied myself getting my classroom ready for the new school year. Marching around putting up posters, I thought of one outrage after another. The way Brian\u2019s eyes lit up for Spike but not for me. All the times he petted Spike and didn\u2019t even caress my hand. The dog toys all over the house! Spike begging at the table\u2026and sleeping in the bed!<\/p>\n When the phone finally did ring I let the machine pick up. \u201cAmy, I\u2019m sorry,\u201d Brian said. \u201cCan we see each other again? I really want to explain. I think we can work this out.\u201d I didn\u2019t return the call. Brian left several more messages and sent e-mails. Finally I relented and agreed to meet him after church.<\/p>\n My expectations weren\u2019t high. \u201cAmy, what do I have to say to convince you? We\u2019ll train Spike together.\u201d<\/p>\n Cautiously I agreed. A few days later I was back at Brian\u2019s house for dinner. The dog toys, I noticed, were put away and Spike kept to himself, gnawing on his frog toy in the hall. Once I caught him looking at me, his head cocked. \u201cDon\u2019t go away,\u201d his liquid brown eyes now seemed to say. \u201cHe needs you.\u201d<\/p>\n That night Brian made a surprising announcement. \u201cI have to go out of town for a week for work,\u201d he said. \u201cWhat if you took Spike and started his training yourself?\u201d I jumped at the chance. At last I\u2019d see whether Spike really could change.<\/p>\n The first night didn\u2019t go so well. I made a bed for Spike on my sofa and put up a baby gate blocking the stairs to my bedroom. Spike whined all night. I sat at the top of the stairs and reassured him. The next night he whined less. Even less the night after that. During the day I played fetch with him. When I firmly told him it was time for a break he flopped down on the sofa beside me. At dinner my refusals to let him beg seemed to work\u2014mostly.<\/p>\n On our last night together we sat on the sofa watching TV. I looked down at Spike. We\u2019d played a fast game of fetch and he was worn out. It felt good to have his warm little body tucked next to mine, I had to admit. I thought of all the years Spike and Brian had been together. All the games of fetch they\u2019d played, the nights they\u2019d spent listening to each other breathe. Suddenly a powerful emotion swept over me. Here, lying next to me, was a living image of the kind of love I\u2019d yearned for from Brian. Openhearted, unconditional love. Love I could rely on. I\u2019d spent the past decade mistrusting that kind of love. So much so that maybe I\u2019d grown unwilling to give it myself.<\/p>\n