A V.A. hospital is a big place. I should know, I work in one.<\/p>\n
But that morning it wasn\u2019t big enough. Not with my newly ex-husband and fellow nurse, Mark, roaming the halls. I\u2019d managed to avoid him for a few weeks since our divorce had become final, but now, there he was, dressed in his scrubs, escorting a patient to the radiology room.<\/p>\n
He saw me and smiled. At least I thought it was a smile.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust thirty-six more days until retirement!\u201d he announced blithely. My blood ran cold. I\u2019d almost forgotten. When we\u2019d married 25 years ago, we\u2019d planned to retire and travel around the world right about now.<\/p>\n
I guessed that was still Mark\u2019s plan, but thanks to him, it couldn\u2019t be mine anymore. No way could I afford retirement.<\/p>\n
I tried to be civil. \u201cSo, still planning to do some traveling?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cMoving to Alaska,\u201d he said. \u201cMaybe do a little consulting, but for the most part, I\u2019ll just fly and live the good life.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFly?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDidn\u2019t I tell you? I bought that vintage airplane I always wanted.\u201d<\/p>\n
No. He didn\u2019t tell me. Now my blood was boiling. Even the knowledge he\u2019d be thousands of miles away didn\u2019t soothe me. He was going to live it up while I spent the next five years or more digging out from the financial mess he\u2019d left me in. I stormed off before I made a scene.<\/p>\n
The words from the Bible that Mark and I had pledged to each other on our wedding day came to mind: \u201cWhither thou goest I will go; where thou lodgest, I will lodge.\u201d How meaningless those words had been to Mark! Maybe he could go on like nothing happened, but I couldn\u2019t!<\/p>\n
Since I was a teenager, I\u2019d suffered health problems that could cause debilitating pain and other complications. Stress made it worse, and living with Mark didn\u2019t help. At first, he\u2019d made me laugh with his crazy brand of humor. He\u2019d stood by me through all the doctor\u2019s appointments and treatments.<\/p>\n
I put almost every cent I earned into paying off our house and making it beautiful. It was even featured in a few home magazines. I pictured us growing old there, together. But instead, we grew apart.<\/p>\n
Things changed. Mark\u2019s good qualities gave way to the bad ones. He had a miserable temper, and could fly into rages over the littlest things. Bad feelings built up between us.<\/p>\n
For eight years I\u2019d worked an extra job to get us by while he\u2019d gone back to school for an advanced degree. Then when I mentioned that my boss urged me to consider going on disability during one of my more severe health flare-ups, Mark flew off the handle.<\/p>\n
\u201cWait one minute!\u201d he yelled. \u201cI didn\u2019t sign up for this. You\u2019re not going to up and quit your job and expect me to pick up the slack.\u201d<\/p>\n
That was the last straw. After all I\u2019d put up with, when I needed him the most, he turned his back. I\u2019d never forgive him for that.<\/p>\n
Mark stayed in our house while we worked out the details of the divorce. I moved to a ramshackle log cabin. I thought I could fix it up to start anew.<\/p>\n
I tried to put a good spin on things to my friends, laughing about how I called my new home The Leaning Log because everywhere I stood in it, the uneven floor made me lean. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry, Roberta,\u201d they\u2019d say. \u201cHe just treated you awful.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d I\u2019d say, \u201cwe just needed to go our separate ways.\u201d<\/p>\n
What I couldn\u2019t bear to bring up was how little I got in the divorce settlement, how the lawyers\u2019 fees and the low sale price we\u2019d taken on our house didn\u2019t leave nearly enough to fix up the cabin. I didn\u2019t know how I\u2019d manage. I wondered how Mark could afford his retirement. It wasn\u2019t fair!<\/p>\n
At a checkup, my doctor said, \u201cYour blood pressure\u2019s up, Roberta. Anything bothering you?\u201d I started to say I was fine when all at once it came out, all the anger I\u2019d been storing up.<\/p>\n
I told him how Mark had left me with almost nothing in the divorce, how I still had to see him at work, how it seemed he was rubbing it in my face with his quips about retirement, doing all the stuff we\u2019d dreamed about.<\/p>\n
Dr. Brownfield shook his head. \u201cStress can aggravate your condition. You know that. Take care of yourself. Eat right. Get rest. You\u2019ve got to find a way to let this go.\u201d<\/p>\n
Let it go? How?<\/em> I knew the doctor was right. But I wasn\u2019t done being angry.<\/p>\n For a solid week afterward, I couldn\u2019t sleep. I felt myself getting more and more sick. By the weekend, I didn\u2019t know if I\u2019d have the energy to go in to work the following Monday. I collapsed on my bed. I did the only thing I knew to do. I prayed.<\/p>\n Not for the first time, of course, not by a long shot. But with a desperation I\u2019d never experienced. \u201cLord, I know I need to let go of this,\u201d I cried out. \u201cBut how? Even when he\u2019s gone, every day at work will just remind me I have no one and he\u2019s out having the time of his life.\u201d<\/p>\n I knew what God\u2019s answer was. Forgive Mark. Focus on the future, not the past.<\/em> But I simply didn\u2019t know how to forgive Mark. I tried. I couldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n The next day at work, I could barely function. \u201cYou okay?\u201d asked Sandy, one of the other nurses. She\u2019d recently lost her husband. If she was asking me if I was okay, I must have looked in really bad shape.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m fine,\u201d I insisted.<\/p>\n Sandy sat down with one of our long-term patients, Mr. Lansing. He\u2019d once told me how seeing her was the best part of his day. I\u2019d meant to tell Sandy that but had let it slip my mind. At my desk I spied a box of pansy-patterned cards a student I\u2019d once mentored had given me. An inspiration struck. <\/p>\n I pulled one out and wrote, \u201cDear Sandy, you make the biggest difference in your patients\u2019 lives. I see it every day. Especially this afternoon with Mr. Lansing. He told me that he watches the clock for 8:00 a.m. when your shift begins. Thank you for caring so much about our veteran patients.\u201d<\/p>\n I gave Sandy the card. \u201cYou don\u2019t know how much this means,\u201d she said, grasping my hands tight. Seeing her smile meant a lot to me. Being thankful for a person and letting her know felt so much better than being resentful.<\/p>\n I decided to write \u201cCaught in the Act of Caring\u201d notes whenever I saw someone doing a good job or when someone brightened my day. Every time I wrote a note, it seemed my eyes were opened to new people I could give a kind word to. People I\u2019d overlooked because I was so focused on my misery.<\/p>\n Giving kindness was like the antidote to the poison of my resentment toward Mark. I felt energized when I came home. Enough to work on my garden at the Leaning Log, which was looking nicer every day.<\/p>\n I potted some red geraniums and gave them out to coworkers. The day Mark left the hospital for good, I barely took note. He\u2019s moving on with his life. I\u2019m moving on with mine.<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cHas your diet changed?\u201d Dr. Brownfield asked at my next appointment. My blood pressure had dropped 20 points.<\/p>\n \u201cNo, just my attitude,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n One night, home at the Leaning Log, sorting through some boxes, I came across an old anniversary card from Mark. Slowly, I opened it up. It was sweet, funny\u2014the Mark I\u2019d fallen in love with. At least those moments I\u2019d always be thankful for.<\/p>\n Thankful for Mark? A few weeks ago, I probably would have ripped up the card. But I wasn\u2019t in the same place anymore. All my caring notes had moved me to a different place. A place of forgiveness and letting go. I didn\u2019t want resentment to rule my life anymore.<\/p>\n \u201cLord,\u201d I said, \u201cwherever Mark is right now, I forgive him. Forgiveness is how I show my love for you in return for the unending love you give me.\u201d<\/p>\n It was strange, but the last bit of weight that seemed to sit on my shoulders lifted away.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve heard from friends that Mark\u2019s doing well in Alaska. He\u2019s enjoying life. And it doesn\u2019t make me unhappy. Anger and resentment did. Mark can\u2019t hurt me anymore. As soon as I stopped counting my grievances, I could see my blessings. I could let go of the pain and embrace the future.<\/p>\n My log cabin is paid in full and renovations are progressing well. My health is stable. I love my job more than ever, and my life too, free of the past.<\/p><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" A V.A. hospital is a big place. I should know, I work in one. But that morning it wasn\u2019t big enough. Not with my newly ex-husband and fellow nurse, Mark, roaming the halls. I\u2019d managed to avoid him for a few weeks since our divorce had become final, but now, there he was, dressed in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":28936,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"ep_exclude_from_search":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[136],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[646],"class_list":["post-20536","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-positive-living"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n