Mike and I sat side by side in the only two chairs in the hospital\u2019s pre-op room, our arms almost brushing. We hadn\u2019t been this close to each other in four years. Not since he\u2019d left me and our marriage had come to a bitter end.<\/p>\n
A guy with a laptop on a rolling cart came in and asked some questions about insurance. \u201cThere\u2019s a hundred-dollar co-pay,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan you split it?\u201d I asked as Mike and I each reached for our credit cards. We didn\u2019t share anything anymore. Not finances. Not a bed or a home or a life. All we had in common now were our 11-year-old boys\u2014Breckan, who was fidgeting in his hospital gown, and his twin brother, Brennan.<\/p>\n
\u201cSure,\u201d the guy said, taking both of our cards.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t lost on me that 16 years ago to the day Mike and I had been in Hawaii on our honeymoon, snorkeling, hiking, eating shave ice. I\u2019d dwelled on it every November since our divorce, my stomach tightening at the memory of what we\u2019d had between us and how it was now gone.<\/p>\n
Breckan was about to have minor surgery, except no surgery is minor when it\u2019s happening to your kid. I was worried and scared. I didn\u2019t find any comfort in having Mike there. But Breckan did. He and Brennan loved their father. They needed him. And I couldn\u2019t deny them that.<\/p>\n
A nurse and a tech came to take Breckan into surgery. I kissed him on the head. Mike high-fived him. Then they rolled him away to the OR.<\/p>\n
Mike and I went to the waiting room and found seats. There were enough chairs to put a comfortable\u2014or was it uncomfortable?\u2014distance between us. That summed up our interactions these days. Mike had remarried, and the boys spent every other weekend with him and his wife. He picked them up on Friday and brought them home on Sunday. Sometimes we\u2019d say a few words on my front porch. Usually he\u2019d just nod as the boys ran up the steps, which was fine by me.<\/p>\n
Now Mike took out his laptop and put in his earbuds. He was three seats and a world away. Kind of like the last years of our marriage.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d tried so hard to hold on to him. I\u2019d prayed for things to work out. I\u2019d looked to Scripture, but even the passage I had always quoted to people in crisis, James 1:2\u20134, didn\u2019t seem to make sense anymore. \u201cConsider it pure joy\u2026whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance.\u201d I wasn\u2019t so sure about that. All this test of my faith had produced so far was anger, resentment, hate. I didn\u2019t think I could ever forgive Mike.<\/p>\n
But was it truly all his fault our relationship fell apart? There was plenty I could blame him for\u2014and I did, to my friends and to my mom. She got so angry at Mike that she wouldn\u2019t so much as glance in his direction at the boys\u2019 Little League games. Still, I\u2019d made mistakes too. Maybe it wasn\u2019t possible to fully account for the failure of love. Maybe it wasn\u2019t necessary.<\/p>\n
I looked at my watch, wondering when Breckan would be out of surgery. My mom arrived and sat with me. We talked about my aunts and uncles, about my ready-to-conk-out dishwasher and where I might find a replacement, about various other topics Mom brought up to distract me. At last a man in scrubs came out to the waiting room. The anesthesiologist. \u201cEverything went well,\u201d he said. \u201cMom and Dad can come on back and see Breckan.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mike put away his earbuds and laptop, and the doctor led us to the recovery room. Breckan was restless and agitated, coughing and hiccuping, not himself at all. Mike and I sat on opposite sides of the bed, reaching over the rail to try to calm our son, me on the right stroking his hair, Mike on the left rubbing his arm. Finally Breckan relaxed and drifted off to sleep, a peaceful look on his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe made a cute boy,\u201d I said. \u201cTwo actually.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMmm-hmm,\u201d Mike replied, looking at Breckan, not at me.<\/p>\n
What I was trying to say was, I\u2019m not mad at you anymore. I\u2019m grateful we had our time together because we made our boys\u2014and they\u2019re really neat people. <\/em>But Mike didn\u2019t pick up on that.<\/p>\n Breckan\u2019s eyes fluttered open. He put his hand on Mike\u2019s. \u201cDad, I saw really big lights in there, and fish on the ceiling. I closed my eyes, and then I was here.\u201d<\/p>\n Seeing his IV-taped hand on his daddy\u2019s made something melt in me. I took a picture with my phone and texted it to Mike. It was my way of saying, I\u2019m glad you\u2019re his dad, <\/em>but he didn\u2019t pick up on that either.<\/p>\n Then I noticed Mike\u2019s other hand on the bed rail and the wedding ring on his finger. I\u2019d caught glimpses of it before, at parent-teacher conferences and on my porch some Sundays, when he brought the boys home. But I didn\u2019t ever think it was pretty until now. It looked different somehow.<\/p>\n Actually, a lot of things were different. I\u2019ve learned so much since you left, <\/em>I wanted to tell Mike. I\u2019m the one who starts the lawnmower now and changes the filter in the air conditioner. I do my own taxes, and I can grill a steak with just the right amount of pink. <\/em>I\u2019d learned some things about myself too. That besides being an English teacher, I could write stories for the newspaper that people wanted to read. That I loved helping the homeless. That I could find joy in the tiniest of things.<\/p>\n That passage from James…I understood it now. The first part, about finding joy through my trials. And the second part, \u201cLet perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.\u201d I\u2019d grown so much in the past four years. Not only had my world not collapsed, as I was sure it was going to when my marriage ended, but my life was happier and more fulfilling than ever. I felt closer to living out God\u2019s purpose for me than I ever had before.<\/p>\n The nurses let my mom come in. She and Mike and I sat around Breckan\u2019s bed while he drank Gatorade and ate graham crackers, as if he hadn\u2019t eaten all day because he hadn\u2019t.<\/p>\n Mom looked right at my ex-husband and said, \u201cSo, Mike, how\u2019s work? Are you doing the same job you were before?\u201d<\/p>\n