{"id":21177,"date":"2026-03-11T10:40:37","date_gmt":"2026-03-11T10:40:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/gpbookstore.org\/articles\/uncategorized\/are-you-too-hard-on-yourself-as-a-caregiver\/"},"modified":"2026-04-10T06:11:40","modified_gmt":"2026-04-10T06:11:40","slug":"are-you-too-hard-on-yourself-as-a-caregiver","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gpbookstore.org\/articles\/positive-living\/health-and-wellness\/caregiving\/family-caregiving\/caregiver-stress\/are-you-too-hard-on-yourself-as-a-caregiver\/","title":{"rendered":"Are You Too Hard on Yourself as a Caregiver?"},"content":{"rendered":"

It isn\u2019t easy to be an imperfect perfectionist. Despite your best-laid plans, dust can collect, dinner can come from a frozen box and your to-do list can lie woefully in wait. And despite all that you do juuuuust <\/em>right, one of the people you love most in the world may have Alzheimer\u2019s disease<\/a> or another chronic condition that you just can\u2019t make\u2026 go away.<\/p>\n

By its very nature, perfectionism is a set-up for failure, and among caregivers, it\u2019s an all-too-common mindset.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve had quite a few clients over the years who are caregivers and who I work with on a lot of caregiver burnout<\/a>,\u201d said Janice D. MacKenzie, a licensed independent clinical social worker for Catholic Charities New Hampshire\u2019s Mental Health Counseling Services. \u201cWe talk a lot about what are the roots of their caregiving stress. So often, they\u2019ll say things like, \u2018I feel like I just have to do more, and from what I\u2019m doing, I\u2019m not seeing the positive outcomes with my loved ones. I must not be doing enough.\u2019 They find themselves striving to do things perfectly.\u201d<\/p>\n

If only I could do enough, if only I could do things perfectly. If this sounds anything like your inner dialogue, you may be living under this form of self-sabotage. But there are ways to move through it. MacKenzie shared the following tips to help release you from the yoke of caregiver perfectionism:<\/p>\n

1. Get to the bottom of it.<\/strong> \u201cSelf-education and awareness are number 1,\u201d MacKenzie said. \u201cIt\u2019s helpful to know why I am like this. Why am I so hard on myself, why do I always feel like I never do enough? Why can\u2019t I just tell myself I\u2019ve done my best and that\u2019s good enough?\u201d Perfectionism can be rooted in a number of factors\u2014having a type A personality; competing in an area like sports; culture; birth order; or serious psychological stress that drives a need to feel in control. A caregiver may already have the perfectionism trait, but the demands of the job can also bring it about. Consider what may be behind your need to be perfect as a caregiver and try to develop an awareness of the pitfalls. \u201cThis mindset creates barriers for a healthier lifestyle,\u201d MacKenzie said. \u201cIt just adds more anxiety and burdens to caregivers when they\u2019re already very anxious and very burdened in everything that they have to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

2. Live in the moment.<\/strong> \u201cFor caregivers, oftentimes their mind is either in the future or in the past. They\u2019re thinking about, \u2018Oh my goodness, what am I going to do next, how do I take care of this problem? I\u2019ve got to do this, I\u2019ve got to do that. I can\u2019t ask somebody to help me because they don\u2019t know how to do it,\u2019\u201d MacKenzie said. \u201cOr they\u2019re worrying about the things that happened yesterday.\u201d MacKenzie teaches her clients \u201cgrounding skills\u201d as a way to move their minds out of the past and future and into the here and now. You don\u2019t necessarily need counseling to do this, she said. Simply go online and search for mindfulness practices<\/a>. \u201cIt helps to see and accept things as they are, to say, \u2018Okay, I may not be able to control my thoughts or control what\u2019s happening right now, but I can control how I react to it,\u2019\u201d she said. (Remember that there\u2019s no shame in asking for help. Friends and family may be more than willing to pitch in on caregiving, or you may consider hiring an in-home care aide or healthcare worker who is trained to handle exactly the sorts of caregiving tasks you\u2019ve been going alone.)<\/p>\n

3. Take a nonjudgmental stance.<\/strong> \u201cPerfectionists are hypercritical of themselves,\u201d MacKenzie said. Stop chronically judging yourself. \u201cYou can put the facts on the table and say, \u2018The situation is what it is. I may not like it, but I\u2019m going to accept it because I\u2019m doing the best that I can do.\u2019\u201d Replace your shoulds<\/em> with coulds<\/em>. \u201cIf you say, \u2018I should be more productive today, I should have done this and that,\u2019 you\u2019re constantly telling yourself you\u2019re not good enough.\u201d Coulds<\/em> allow you to take a non-judgmental stance. \u201cYou\u2019re saying, \u2018You know what? I made the choice that I made in the moment for this reason. I\u2019m human.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

4. Learn anxiety management skills. <\/strong>These fall into two categories: self-soothing skills and distraction skills. To self-soothe, draw on one or more of your five senses to help calm yourself. \u201cListen to music, take a hot bubble bath, use aromatherapy oils,\u201d MacKenzie said.\u201d It\u2019s engaging your senses, helping your neurological system to actually relax.\u201d To distract yourself, focus on a good book or film, take a walk, cook if you enjoy it\u2014anything that helps take your mind off the situation that feels out of control.<\/p>\n

5. Address harmful self-sabotaging thoughts.<\/strong> \u201cThis is a biggie that I help folks with\u2014harmful self-sabotaging thoughts that actually feed a perfectionistic mindset,\u201d she said. \u201cCommon ones might be, \u2018I\u2019m not doing enough\u2019 or, \u2018What I\u2019m doing as a caregiver doesn\u2019t matter. I\u2019m doing everything I can and my mom is getting worse. Challenge these thoughts. Say, \u2018You know what? I love this person. I\u2019m doing everything that I can, but the fact is that they have a debilitating medical condition\u2014 something that\u2019s out of my control.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

6. Be realistic.<\/strong> Set healthy, realistic expectations for yourself and for others. \u201cAre you asking for help as needed? Are you accepting that you\u2019re human? You have an incredible sense of freedom when you allow yourself to be imperfect and to be human,\u201d MacKenzie said. \u201cThat can be really powerful.\u201d<\/p>\n

7. Practice your spirituality.<\/strong> \u201cBeing too hard on yourself can be like a ball and chain,\u201d she said. \u201cSit down and say, \u2018God, I give this to you. Take this from me. I\u2019m doing the best I can do.\u2019 It helps to let go of the need to control.\u201d Say the serenity prayer.<\/p>\n

8. Find your power.<\/strong> \u201cPeople with a perfectionistic mindset experience significant feelings of powerlessness\u2014especially caregivers,\u201d MacKenzie said. Things aren\u2019t working as planned, you\u2019re underappreciated, you\u2019re ineffective. But striving to be perfect can actually make you feel more out of control, and lead to what she calls a spiral of powerlessness. After accepting that you\u2019ve done all you can to the best of your ability, shift your focus to what you can change and master. One of MacKenzie\u2019s caregiver clients, for example, turns to her two favorite activities when this happens. \u201cWhen she starts to feel like, oh, this situation is so hard, she says, \u2018Okay, I\u2019ve got to find my power here. I\u2019m going to call the doctor\u2019s office, I\u2019m going to get some more help …\u2019 And then she goes into another room and plays video games for a while because it\u2019s just fun, or she sits down and knits. She\u2019s knitting a blanket for her daughter. It shifts her over and gets her mind out of that place. She\u2019s at least able to accept and let it go and focus on something that she can control.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It isn\u2019t easy to be an imperfect perfectionist. Despite your best-laid plans, dust can collect, dinner can come from a frozen box and your to-do list can lie woefully in wait. 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