I should have known there was something wrong with me when I sustained my fourth concussion. It was the 2007 season, my fourth year in the NFL as a tight end for the Indianapolis Colts. We were the defending Super Bowl champs. In a game against the Denver Broncos, I was blocking for our running back. A Broncos defensive back leaped over me, trying to get to the ball carrier. His foot clipped the back of my helmet.<\/p>\n
I only know what happened next because I watched it on film. I crumpled to the ground. Ten seconds later, I jumped up and sprinted to the sidelines, where I talked with my teammates and a doctor, who pulled me from the game. I had no memory of any of it.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d never experienced amnesia. Still, when I told my wife, Karyn, I didn\u2019t make a big deal of it. I\u2019d had concussions before. I\u2019d always bounced back.<\/p>\n
READ MORE: STRUCK FROM ABOVE<\/strong><\/em><\/a><\/p>\n I needed to bounce back. My contract was up at the end of the season, and I wanted to sign a long-term deal. It would mean financial security for Karyn and me and the family we hoped to start.<\/p>\n My list of injuries went back to junior year of high school: broken pelvis, ankle and foot; fractured ribs and vertebrae; torn abs. To borrow an expression from Karyn\u2019s sport\u2014she was a captain of the women\u2019s golf team at the University of Minnesota, where we met\u2014getting banged up is par for the course in football.<\/p>\n Four weeks later, I passed the Colts\u2019 post-concussion protocol and was cleared to play. During the off-season, I signed a three-year contract with the Cincinnati Bengals.<\/p>\n Leaving my friends in Indianapolis was hard. I also left my mentor in the career I dreamed of having after football: music. I\u2019m a big guy\u2014six foot six and 250 pounds\u2014and I have a big voice. My dad is a Methodist minister. I sang in his church as a boy. In high school I was in more choirs than sports teams. In college I sang at churches with the Fellowship of Christian Athletes. I did the same in Indianapolis.<\/p>\n My rookie season I spoke at a youth event. A woman in a Colts jersey ran up afterward and asked for my autograph. She was none other than Sandi Patty, a huge Christian music star. I wanted her <\/em>autograph.<\/p>\n Sandi took me under her wing. In December 2007 I joined her onstage at the Indianapolis Festival of Lights. Singing with a Christian music legend in front of more than 100,000 people while wearing my Super Bowl ring was a dream come true, something only God could have orchestrated.<\/p>\n READ MORE: BY FAITH ALONE<\/strong><\/em><\/a><\/p>\n I should have known there was something wrong in spring 2008, when I had trouble learning the Bengals playbook. None of it stuck in my brain, which was weird, because I\u2019d always had a phenomenal memory. I didn\u2019t connect it to my concussions, though. Concussions weren\u2019t in the news back then. Two sets of doctors\u2014on the Colts and the Bengals\u2014had cleared me to play.<\/p>\n The 2008 season wasn\u2019t a good one. I broke my sternum and tore my plantar fascia. But I went into the 2009 training camp in the best shape of my life. I had extra motivation: Karyn and I had had our first child, our daughter Elleora.<\/p>\n I should have known there was something wrong when I was knocked out on August 5, 2009. It was the first week of training camp, a routine blocking drill. I was supposed to handle the outside linebacker. That\u2019s all I remember. The rest I pieced together from my teammates and from film (HBO\u2019s Hard Knocks <\/em>covered our camp).<\/p>\n The linebacker\u2019s helmet came up under my face mask and hit me on the chin. I was out cold. Coaches, trainers and camera crews ran over. I came to before the ambulance got there. Hard Knocks <\/em>showed my teammates praying for me. Paramedics rushed me to the ER. Doctors cut off my uniform and pads. Little did I realize that I would never wear a uniform in competition again.<\/p>\n I went through a bunch of tests. I had practically every symptom of post-concussion syndrome. Headaches, dizziness, sleeplessness, night sweats, sensitivity to light, loss of balance, fatigue, nausea, forgetfulness, difficulty concentrating, irritability.<\/p>\n I should have known there was something wrong when those symptoms didn\u2019t go away. When every doctor I saw\u2014including a neurosurgeon and concussion expert, Dr. Robert Cantu\u2014 told me I should never play football again. The Bengals cut me in November.<\/p>\n READ MORE: NFL PLAYER’S BATTLE WITH CROHN’S<\/strong><\/em><\/a><\/p>\n Still, I made one last attempt to resurrect my NFL career. In April 2010, I finally passed the return-to-play protocol and tried out for the New England Patriots. I killed the workout but the Patriots didn\u2019t sign me. Too big a risk with my concussion history, they decided. The end had come for me as a football player.<\/p>\n The question was: Who was I now? I thought I\u2019d find the answer in music. We moved to Nashville in May. A few months later we found out Karyn was pregnant with twins. I\u2019d felt so unsettled about the future, yet here was God with a double blessing. A reminder of what my parents had always taught me\u2014to trust my future, my family, everything, to the Lord.<\/p>\n The birth of our twins, Katriel and Amy Joan, confirmed that trust. So did meeting Jim Brickman, the great adult-contemporary musician. Jim hired me for his Christmas 2011 tour.<\/p>\n We moved home to Minnesota that summer. Karyn would have help with the girls while I was on tour, and the girls would be close to their grandparents.<\/p>\n One night we went to see our good friends Matt and Kim Anderle. Matt was my teammate in college. He mentioned something about their wedding some years back. Karyn wanted to hear more. So Matt and Kim started telling stories.<\/p>\n With each story, I got angrier, wondering why I hadn\u2019t been asked to the wedding. My NFL schedule had been crazy, but I would\u2019ve made time. \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you invite me?\u201d I demanded.<\/p>\n At first they all thought I was joking. Then Kim got out their wedding album. \u201cYou\u2019re right there, Ben,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n \u201cYou weren\u2019t just a groomsman,\u201d Matt said. \u201cYou sang for us. Don\u2019t you remember?\u201d<\/p>\n READ MORE: NFL STAR’S INSPIRING NEW GAME PLAN<\/strong><\/em><\/a><\/p>\n The photos didn\u2019t trigger the faintest recollection. I had absolutely no memory of their wedding. They all stared at me as if I was somehow fragile and broken.<\/p>\n That was the first time it hit Karyn and me that something was terribly wrong. I hadn\u2019t really shared my memory problems with her. I didn\u2019t want to burden her. Now it was clear I wasn\u2019t just forgetful. Memories had been erased. My brain had changed.<\/p>\n On the Jim Brickman tour I couldn\u2019t remember lyrics, not even to old Christmas songs. So I taped the words to the stage. Still, I loved being on tour. Concert night felt like game day. It gave me the same rush.<\/p>\n Maybe that\u2019s why I sank into a depression when the tour ended. Karyn, the girls and I had settled into our dream home. I should have been happy.<\/p>\n Instead, most mornings I couldn\u2019t get out of bed. I didn\u2019t have a job to go to anymore. Not in football. Not in music. I\u2019d been reading about the effects of concussions on former NFL players. Some were legends, others were journeymen. They all suffered alarming memory problems and behavior changes. Some died young and tragically, many by their own hand. Is that going to be me? <\/em>I thought.<\/p>\n Karyn would ask quietly, \u201cAre you going to come down? The girls want you.\u201d<\/p>\n One day I forced myself downstairs. We were potty-training Elleora. Karyn asked me to take her to the bathroom. I put Elleora on the toilet and sat on the edge of the bathtub. \u201cI\u2019m done, Daddy,\u201d she announced.<\/p>\n \u201cDid you go potty?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t need to.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou need to try,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n She frowned. \u201cI can\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n READ MORE: FAITH, LOVE AND MARRIAGE AFTER A BRAIN INJURY<\/strong><\/em><\/a><\/p>\n I stood, looming over her. \u201cYou are going to sit there until you go.\u201d My voice rose. \u201cDo you understand me?!\u201d Elleora burst into tears and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. What have I become? <\/em>Someone who scared his daughter. Someone who scared himself.<\/p>\n Karyn comforted Elleora. I went into my study, closed the door and fell to my knees. I\u2019ve let this brain injury get the best of me, Lord. I surrender. I give it over to you. The best and the worst.<\/em><\/p>\n Something hit me at that moment. The Lord freed me from the anger and self-pity that were suffocating me. And he opened my eyes to the people, the blessings, around me. The world as it was in this moment.<\/p>\n After that, I got up early every day for time with God. One morning I was in my study when the door creaked open. \u201cDaddy, can I come in?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOf course, Elleora.\u201d She was still in her pajamas. I pulled her up onto my lap.<\/p>\n She snuggled close. \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cReading my Bible.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWill you read to me too?\u201d \u201cI sure will.\u201d I wrapped my arms around Elleora and read.<\/p>\n \u201cCan we do this again tomorrow, Daddy?\u201d<\/p>\n It has become our morning ritual, one that anchors my day.<\/p>\n READ MORE: TONY DUNGY\u2014WHEN MENTORS MOLD THE MAN<\/strong><\/em><\/a><\/p>\n I poured my feelings\u2014my love for my wife and daughters, my fear that I would not remember them one day\u2014into a song I wrote and released in 2014. \u201cYou Will Always Be My Girls\u201d has had more than 1.25 million views on YouTube. I think people respond to the truth in it.<\/p>\n The truth I should have known but tried to avoid for so long: Everything that I am, the person I\u2019ve been, the man I hope to be, all comes down to my ability to remember. That is why I speak out about brain injury. Why I get up every morning determined to make the day count. Why I\u2019ve been doing a new kind of training, for cognitive fitness.<\/p>\n Last summer I took part in a program that was as hard as any NFL training camp. At the start, I tested in the seventeenth and twelfth percentiles for recent and long-term memory. Very poor. I did 120 hours of work with a brain trainer. By the end, my scores jumped to the seventy-eighth and ninety-eighth percentiles. It was like moving from the bottom of the football depth chart all the way to the top.<\/p>\n Isn\u2019t it awesome what the Lord can do when you let him make the best of you?<\/p>\n Did you enjoy this story? Subscribe to <\/em>Guideposts<\/strong><\/a> magazine<\/em>.<\/p>\n