{"id":21848,"date":"2026-03-11T11:54:19","date_gmt":"2026-03-11T11:54:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/gpbookstore.org\/articles\/uncategorized\/how-richard-lui-makes-long-distance-caregiving-work\/"},"modified":"2026-04-10T06:13:03","modified_gmt":"2026-04-10T06:13:03","slug":"how-richard-lui-makes-long-distance-caregiving-work","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gpbookstore.org\/articles\/positive-living\/health-and-wellness\/caregiving\/alzheimers-and-dementia\/everyday-coping-for-caregivers\/how-richard-lui-makes-long-distance-caregiving-work\/","title":{"rendered":"How Richard Lui Makes Long-Distance Caregiving Work"},"content":{"rendered":"

Your dad, Stephen, was a pastor, social worker and vibrant part of his community. When did you notice that something wasn\u2019t right with him?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dad was a prayer guy. At our big family Christmas gathering, he always said this elaborate prayer that would take him a week to prepare. At the end he\u2019d say, \u201cTurn to your relatives to the left and the right and hug them and tell them why you love them.\u201d Seven years ago when he gave his prayer, he forgot his siblings\u2019 names. For decades, he had done this prayer. It was a big deal for the entire Lui clan that he couldn\u2019t do it. My aunt took me aside and said, \u201cI think your dad should see a doctor.\u201d He\u2019d always been very open to understanding sickness. And I think something about him was like \u201cI\u2019m sick. Let me go and try to fix this.\u201d He went in and got diagnosed, and he never was down about it.<\/p>\n

You, along with your three siblings and your mom, are part of your dad\u2019s caregiving team. They all live in California, and you fly in from New York. Besides visiting every few weeks, what are some of the ways you keep in contact?<\/strong><\/p>\n

We created a Google doc and list all of his doctors\u2019 appointments, test results, medicines, activities, visitors, etc. It\u2019s really helpful to have everything in one place so we don\u2019t have to constantly call to ask for updates.<\/p>\n

Read More: Top 5 Questions Caregivers Ask About Alzheimer\u2019s<\/strong><\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

Anything else?<\/strong><\/p>\n

If you\u2019re not sure where your loved one is in the disease, stay overnight. Don\u2019t go for a meal or special occasion. Stay overnight because the bumps in the night are often more than bumps in the night. You won\u2019t know the cause if you\u2019re not there. I\u2019d always stay overnight in the room I grew up in. And the days I wasn\u2019t there, my mom told me my dad would go by my room, open the door and say, \u201cGood night, Richard. Good night.\u201d<\/p>\n

What advice do you have for long-distance caregivers who get distressed if they can\u2019t visit their loved ones?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Just own that it\u2019s hard. Accept that you\u2019re not perfect. Talk to someone about it<\/a>. I think the biggest stress is, Am I making the right decision? If I stick with my job or don\u2019t? If I call in sick? If I don\u2019t see my family or my friends or my significant other? What is the right thing? <\/em>And I think the struggle is thinking, I will never make the right decision. I\u2019m in a no-win situation. <\/em>But actually you are in an always-win decision if you are keeping your loved one in mind and what they would want you to do. Check out the Alzheimer\u2019s Association<\/a> website, alz.org<\/strong><\/a>, as well for great info and resources for caregivers.<\/p>\n

Read More: Banner Alzheimer\u2019s Institute Speeds Up the Search for a Cure<\/strong><\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

You\u2019ve found that caregiving doesn\u2019t have to be serious all the time. How has humor helped you and your family?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Finding some humor in all of this is very human and very necessary and doesn\u2019t take away the difficulty, the sadness. When he was diagnosed, Dad was active and able to take care of himself. Now, seven years later, he\u2019s living in a care facility. He\u2019s bedridden and can\u2019t feed himself. We are dealing with tough stuff. When he was still living at home and I started having to change him and clean him, he loved to run around the house naked. Sometimes he\u2019d go, \u201cOh, I have to poop.\u201d Boy, cleaning up his poop and helping with diapers\u2014that freaked me out.<\/p>\n

I knew this was a benchmark when Dad couldn\u2019t take care of himself. I started to joke about it. And I hope it helped my siblings. We would use the poop emoji in our group texts when we took turns watching him. \u201cOh, he pooped today.\u201d Then we would use one, two, three or four poop emojis. \u201cHe did a three. He did a two. He did a one.\u201d It was really tough for my one brother who\u2019s super clean and doesn\u2019t like to talk about that stuff. But even he started to joke along with us.<\/p>\n

You had to start shaving your father as well. That must have been difficult.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dad had a morning ritual. Get up, eat his oats and milk and raisins. And shave. There came a point where he didn\u2019t know how to do it anymore. I took out his electric razor. When I turned it on, he smiled. He liked the feel of it on his skin. And he squealed\u2014whoo <\/em>and yeah<\/em>\u2014like a kid. Dad had taught me how to shave, and I thought it was very symbolic of that shift of roles we go through, helping parents with Alzheimer\u2019s. It was not only that I was shaving him but that it meant so much to him. I held his hand throughout the entire process. It was a moment of connection.<\/p>\n

Read More: Just Be There: The Challenges of Caring for a Difficult Parent<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

How has your faith helped you as caregiver?<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s definitely been a source of strength and comfort <\/a>for me. We\u2019re pastor\u2019s kids. My eldest sibling texted in our group thread that he had just read John, chapter one, to Dad. We\u2019re each reading a chapter when we visit. We pick up where the last sibling or Mom left off. For Dad, sound is definitely key. He loves the Lord and the Bible, and he can also hear and recognize our voices. He can\u2019t talk anymore, but he does interact. When he\u2019s keyed in, his eyes will look at you. He\u2019ll smile.<\/p>\n

Can you talk more about the importance of voice, sounds and music for your dad?<\/strong><\/p>\n

We can speak into an amplifier or have it play sounds. The connected headphones act as hearing aids. My dad was always hard of hearing. With Alzheimer\u2019s, his senses need all the help they can get.<\/p>\n

Read More: Join Guideposts in the Fight Against Alzheimer’s<\/strong><\/em><\/a><\/p>\n

You\u2019ve said that watching the progression of Alzheimer\u2019s was like watching your dad die a bit in front of you. And then being born again. Can you explain?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dad was a real stressed-out<\/a> guy when he was middle-aged. He took home all the problems of people he was trying to help as a social worker and a pastor. I think he was born again in that, despite this disease being part of his new life, he hasn\u2019t gone back to worrying. He\u2019s so positive. He\u2019s the most wonderful patient. All the nurses love him because he would kiss everybody on the hand and smile and laugh with them. Life is a stack of pancakes, and Alzheimer\u2019s takes the top pancakes little by little until you\u2019re left with none. Even if this disease has stripped away all his memories like pancakes, well, look at him. Dad is a good, faithful man.<\/p>\n

For more inspiring stories, subscribe to <\/em>Guideposts<\/strong><\/a> magazine<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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