{"id":22424,"date":"2026-03-11T12:57:40","date_gmt":"2026-03-11T12:57:40","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/gpbookstore.org\/articles\/uncategorized\/rheumatoid-arthritis-letting-go-of-her-denial-was-the-first-step\/"},"modified":"2026-04-10T06:14:13","modified_gmt":"2026-04-10T06:14:13","slug":"rheumatoid-arthritis-letting-go-of-her-denial-was-the-first-step","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gpbookstore.org\/articles\/positive-living\/health-and-wellness\/coping-with-illness\/rheumatoid-arthritis-letting-go-of-her-denial-was-the-first-step\/","title":{"rendered":"Rheu\u00admatoid Arthritis: Letting Go of Her Denial Was the First Step"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was driving home and think\u00ading over and over, There\u2019s nothing wrong with me. <\/em>This, despite the doctor saying there was, and then the bombshell he dropped: I would prob\u00adably have to start giving myself shots.<\/p>\n

A little while earlier I had sat across the desk from a pencil-thin rheuma\u00adtologist wearing a blue button-down shirt. He had already advised me that the first appointment would take an hour and a half. I liked his messy desk; it resembled mine at home. I glanced down at the chart where he pointed. \u201cYour X-rays and blood work indicate that you are in the early stages of rheu\u00admatoid arthritis,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019m going to prescribe some pills for you, but I expect you\u2019ll decide to give yourself regular injections.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think so,\u201d I said, smiling po\u00adlitely. My thinking was: So I\u2019ve been diagnosed with RA. That doesn\u2019t mean that I actually have it. <\/em>I took the pre\u00adscription for pills and made another ap\u00adpointment for three months later. Well, whatever.<\/em><\/p>\n

I pulled into our driveway at home and felt an increasingly familiar twinge in my hand when I turned off the igni\u00adtion. Ow! <\/em>Inside the house, I dropped my keys and purse onto the kitchen counter. My husband, Gene, was full of questions. I put him off. \u201cHere, let me see the pills you\u2019ve got,\u201d he insisted. He sat down and began reading all the detailed paperwork the pharmacy had given me. I hate directions of any kind.<\/p>\n

Early the next morning, during my quiet time, I wrote in my prayer journal<\/a>, \u201cLord, I am sure this isn\u2019t a big deal. Just don\u2019t let the pain get worse\u2014in fact, take it all away. I trust you to do that. I feel pretty good\u2014most of the time.\u201d<\/p>\n

The very next day, Gene nagged, \u201cMarion, I\u2019m sure you should be exer\u00adcising more now that you\u2019ve been diag\u00adnosed. Not long ago, you walked four miles, then two. Now it\u2019s\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll start back in the spring. I like early mornings.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCome on. I\u2019ll walk with you now. It\u2019s nice outside.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot now,\u201d I snapped, walking away.<\/p>\n

Toward the end of the first year, the pain became worse<\/a>, so intense it ex\u00adhausted me. My hands and thumbs hurt most of the time. Turning the ignition in the car one day, I yelped in pain. I had to rest both hands in my lap. Finally, blinking back tears, I started the car.<\/p>\n

My feet hurt, as did my back. Gene and I curtailed many activities. My en\u00adergy level drained to zero. So did my creativity, enthusiasm\u2014and joy. Many mornings I crawled to the bathroom in the dark for my medications. I kept them under the sink so I didn\u2019t have to bend down or put weight on my hurting feet.<\/p>\n

At a regular three-month checkup, my doctor asked right off, \u201cHow\u2019s your pain?\u201d It sounded more like an ambush than a question.<\/p>\n

\u201cSo-so,\u201d I mumbled.<\/p>\n

Making sudden eye contact, he asked, \u201cAnd are you still crawling to the bathroom?\u201d<\/p>\n

I could\u2019ve kicked myself for having admitted that to him in a previous con\u00adversation. \u201cSometimes,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you walking and getting regu\u00adlar exercise<\/a>?\u201d he persisted.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDid you read the brochure I gave you about the injections?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot all of it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Actually, I hadn\u2019t even opened it. There was some energetic, outdoorsy-looking gal on the cover. She was trudging up Pike\u2019s Peak or some such mountain, making it look like super fun. The picture of health. Obviously, she gave herself the wondrous regular injections. \u201cDon\u2019t these shots cost a lot of money?\u201d I asked, hoping for an out. In fact, I couldn\u2019t imagine injecting my\u00adself even if someone paid me to do it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got hundreds of patients who use these shots to treat RA.\u201d<\/p>\n

I mentioned the injections to Gene. He beamed. Looked relieved. \u201cThen you must try them,\u201d he said. \u201cYou\u2019re spending almost all of your time on the sofa or in bed. I want my walking buddy back, honey.\u201d<\/p>\n

Over and over, I prayed and wrote in my prayer journal<\/a>, \u201cLord, please take this pain away. I want my life back. I don\u2019t know what to do.\u201d I sat there in my prayer chair, hurting and no longer even trying to fight off depression.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m trying to tell you what to do, Marion.<\/em> Two hot tears plopped down onto my journal. I don\u2019t know if that\u2019s you, Lord, but in case it is, I\u2019ll do what I think you\u2019re saying.<\/em><\/p>\n

That week, I had another appoint\u00adment with my rheumatologist. I sat in the small light-green familiar ex\u00adamining room, staring out the win\u00addow. I\u2019d brought along a book to read<\/a> because my doctor kept only arthritis magazines in the room. I refused to read them. Maybe I don\u2019t even have.\u2026 Maybe I do. <\/em><\/p>\n

Turning a page in my book, I felt a sharp sneaky pain rip through my thumb. Sometimes I experienced the same pain when I squeezed out toothpaste. Would the shots really be as scary as what was obviously hap\u00adpening to me? Was it the medicine I really feared?<\/p>\n

My doctor came in, brisk and effi\u00adcient. After a routine exam, a few questions, he wrote out a prescription and laid it down on the table. \u201cYou need to consider this seriously. And you must start back walking.\u201d Then he handed me another brochure with the excited mountain girl on the cover. \u201cYou are about to begin your second year of RA. This medicine can help you and stop further bone damage. But it\u2019s not about the shots. It\u2019s about you. You have to participate in your treatment. You can\u2019t retreat into denial.\u201d He turned and walked out.<\/p>\n

The decision was still mine. So was the constant pain. I decided to swing by our pharmacy and see what the prescription would cost. To my amaze\u00adment, with the help of insurance and Medicare, not too much.<\/p>\n

I was weary of thinking about me. My pain. My disability. The condition I\u2019d tried to deny was now defining me. The more I tried to hide from it, the more it was taking. Yet I\u2019d thought de\u00adnial was the best medicine\u2014that to ad\u00admit I was sick was to give up. It wasn\u2019t good that I had this disease. But God would help me by sending helpers\u2014Gene, my doctor, even that pesky pic\u00adture of health on the brochure.<\/p>\n

I longed to forget about myself; to laugh, wake up anticipating plans for the day. Start my car. Even vacuum. Oh, I didn\u2019t want to let go of my stubbornness! I wanted God to heal me<\/a>\u2014without injections.<\/p>\n

On a Wednesday at high noon, I sat alone in the kitchen slowly reading for the fifth time the instructions (remem\u00adber, I hate instructions) and studying the simple diagrams. The actual in\u00adjection was more like flipping a light switch than giving myself a shot. No needle was ever visible. The discom\u00adfort resembled a brief muscle cramp. The brochure said that results could come as soon as the second week or take as long as three months.<\/p>\n

But my relief was immediate. At last I\u2019d surrendered. Not to a disease, though. I\u2019d surrendered the stubborn\u00adness of my denial that was undermin\u00ading my health more than the RA itself. Until I could admit I had the disease, I could never get better.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m back to walking with Gene. I have a newfound gratitude for pain-free days<\/a> and for my determined rheu\u00admatologist. I\u2019m reminded of people in pain 24\/7, and I pray for them.<\/p>\n

Today I wrote in my prayer jour\u00adnal, \u201cFather, thank you for speaking through my husband, my doctor and others. I know I\u2019m not always the easi\u00adest person to deal with. But isn\u2019t that the way you made me? All I\u2019ve ever known is to be myself, Lord. I ask you now to help me be myself with RA.\u201d<\/p>\n

For more inspiring stories, subscribe to <\/em>Guideposts<\/strong><\/a> magazine<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was driving home and think\u00ading over and over, There\u2019s nothing wrong with me. This, despite the doctor saying there was, and then the bombshell he dropped: I would prob\u00adably have to start giving myself shots. A little while earlier I had sat across the desk from a pencil-thin rheuma\u00adtologist wearing a blue button-down shirt. 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