{"id":23101,"date":"2026-03-11T14:13:14","date_gmt":"2026-03-11T14:13:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/gpbookstore.org\/articles\/uncategorized\/how-she-learned-to-stop-people-pleasing\/"},"modified":"2026-04-10T06:15:36","modified_gmt":"2026-04-10T06:15:36","slug":"how-she-learned-to-stop-people-pleasing","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gpbookstore.org\/articles\/positive-living\/how-she-learned-to-stop-people-pleasing\/","title":{"rendered":"How She Learned to Stop People Pleasing"},"content":{"rendered":"

I was dropping off my three-year-old son at preschool. Another mom, Jessica, stopped to chat. \u201cTomorrow is the class Valentine\u2019s Day<\/a> party, and I haven\u2019t even started working on the craft I volunteered to bring,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019m so tired, and I don\u2019t have time tonight to do it. Ugh, I\u2019m stressed out!\u201d<\/p>\n

Without even thinking, I said, \u201cDon\u2019t worry, I can take care of it for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

At 10 o\u2019clock that night, my husband, Eric, found me sitting on the living room floor, surrounded by red and pink construction paper hearts I\u2019d spent the past three hours cutting out. \u201cI thought you already prepared your activity for Nathan\u2019s party,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI did. This is for Jessica\u2019s craft.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy isn\u2019t Jessica doing it?\u201d<\/p>\n

I gave a weary shrug. \u201cShe was stressed at drop-off this morning, so I offered to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, you seem pretty stressed<\/a> now,\u201d Eric said. \u201cYou put yourself in these situations a lot, and you\u2019re obviously not thrilled about it. Why keep doing it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Why was<\/em> I always going out of my way to make someone\u2019s life easier, even if it made my own life harder? It didn\u2019t take long on Google to discover that I\u2019m a people pleaser<\/a>, eager to earn the approval of others. Too eager. I often did things I didn\u2019t want to do because I was afraid of disappointing someone.<\/p>\n

Eric was right. I couldn\u2019t go on like this. So I spoke with three experts\u2014even giving them some examples of my people-pleasing ways\u2014to find out how to cultivate a healthier relationship with helping others.<\/p>\n

I told psychotherapist Kate Crocco, author of Drawing the Line: How to Achieve More Peace and Less Burnout in Your Life<\/em>, about offering to do Jessica\u2019s craft. \u201cWe need to have faith that our friends and family can figure out things for themselves,\u201d she says. \u201cPeople pleasers sometimes think that if they don\u2019t bend over backward for others, the other person won\u2019t survive. Give others the opportunity to solve their own problems.\u201d<\/p>\n

Karen Ehman, author of When Making Others Happy Is Making You Miserable: How to Break the Pattern of People Pleasing and Confidently Live Your Life<\/em>, says, \u201cPeople pleasers are often passive about how they spend their time. They can be easily swayed to fill their time with someone else\u2019s agenda and then become overwhelmed. As Christians, we should follow God\u2019s plan<\/a> for us.\u201d<\/p>\n

Their answers made me uncomfortable. If I didn\u2019t offer to help people, would they still like me? Would they still see me as a nice person? A kind Christian woman?<\/p>\n

Sharon Hodde Miller, author of Nice: Why We Love to Be Liked and How God Calls Us to More<\/em>, points out that being nice and being kind aren\u2019t the same thing. \u201cNiceness is often motivated by our self-interest,\u201d she says. \u201cWe help someone because we want their approval or validation. Kindness, on the other hand, is primarily about God and showing his love to others<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

How can we determine what our true motivation is in helping others? Think about your reaction when your help is not reciprocated, acknowledged or appreciated, Miller says. Do you feel resentful and sorry for yourself? Or do you feel peaceful because you followed God\u2019s leading to be kind<\/a>?<\/p>\n

Based on those criteria, I was definitely being nice more than kind. I hadn\u2019t realized how often I volunteered to take care of things because I wanted the approval of others, especially at church.<\/p>\n

\u201cWith numerous opportunities to serve at church, we might think, \u2018What\u2019s just one more yes?\u2019\u201d Crocco says. \u201cBut we must evaluate our commitments and set healthy boundaries. When we begin to feel worn down, we should ask ourselves, \u2018In this season, who needs me most?\u2019 Then focus on that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Miller recommends observing the Sabbath<\/a>, resting your body and your mind, to help create boundaries. \u201cThe Sabbath reminds us to honor our limits because God is in control, not us. When we observe a weekly Sabbath, it makes it easier to draw other boundaries in our lives because we understand that our limitations are a part of God\u2019s design.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe get our identity from doing,\u201d Ehman notes. \u201cWe get another hat to wear, thinking that it gives us worth. It\u2019s how our culture measures significance. But it\u2019s not how God measures it. He cares much more about who we are becoming than what we are doing.\u201d<\/p>\n

She has a good reminder for us people pleasers<\/a>: God hasn\u2019t put every volunteer opportunity on your to-do list. Pray before accepting a new responsibility. If you don\u2019t feel that God wants you to take on the additional obligation, step back so someone else can have the opportunity to help.<\/p>\n

I wondered if I could learn to say no without feeling guilty.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe forget that we can simply say \u2018No, thank you\u2019 or \u2018That isn\u2019t going to work for me\u2019 without explaining any further,\u201d Crocco says. \u201cWhen we overexplain, it\u2019s usually because of guilt. We need to learn to be okay with the pause in the conversation. Decline the opportunity, then wait for a response. You don\u2019t need to apologize or explain yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve got to get to the place where we care more about obeying God<\/a> than pleasing people,\u201d Ehman says. \u201cIf he has shown you that you are overcommitted and have no room to take on more, politely decline and don\u2019t feel guilty. Remember that other people\u2019s feelings are not your responsibility. Their happiness is not your assignment.\u201d<\/p>\n

What if I follow this advice and the person pressures me or tries to change my mind?<\/p>\n

\u201cPeople have been used to your saying yes for a long time, and if you begin to set limits, they may not like it,\u201d Crocco says. \u201cYour yes has served their needs. But if someone cares about you and the relationship, they will respect your decision.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe do not need the approval of others,\u201d Ehman says. \u201cWe have already secured the greatest approval of all, that of being a child of God<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Recently, it was our turn to host the family Easter celebration. My husband is one of eight children, so it\u2019s no small task. Then the children\u2019s minister at church asked me to teach the kindergarten class on Easter Sunday. \u201cWe added an extra service, so I really need you,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, but I can\u2019t,\u201d I said. There was a brief pause. I started to explain, \u201cEric\u2019s family is coming over, and it\u2019s about 40 people\u2026\u201d I trailed off, remembering that not every volunteer opportunity<\/a> was my responsibility.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s okay,\u201d the minister said. \u201cI have a few other people I can ask.\u201d<\/p>\n

I sighed with relief. It may not have been a completely guilt-free no, but it was a long-awaited step in the right direction.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

For more inspiring stories, subscribe to <\/em>Guideposts<\/strong><\/a> magazine<\/em>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was dropping off my three-year-old son at preschool. Another mom, Jessica, stopped to chat. \u201cTomorrow is the class Valentine\u2019s Day party, and I haven\u2019t even started working on the craft I volunteered to bring,\u201d she said. \u201cI\u2019m so tired, and I don\u2019t have time tonight to do it. Ugh, I\u2019m stressed out!\u201d Without even […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":30189,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"ep_exclude_from_search":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[136],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[742],"class_list":["post-23101","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-positive-living"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow She Learned to Stop People Pleasing - Guideposts Articles<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How She Learned to Stop People Pleasing\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I was dropping off my three-year-old son at preschool. 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